the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
