Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
