just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
