I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hippo gnu deer
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
