My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
