when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who died my cat blue again?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
