You're my little dorito
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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