i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
