I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
