She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before