Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.