i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
