3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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