Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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