I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
