Cold hands, warm shart.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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