if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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