I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn