The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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