I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
