I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
