I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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