can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
