Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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