i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
