If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
