His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
