Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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