my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just had sex on a roof
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
