Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I need a burrito and a hug.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
