Your face is a jimmy john
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
