are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
