Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
