dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
