So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
