I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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