Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
