I'm sorry my penis didn't work
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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