weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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