I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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