At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
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It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues