well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
