No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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