literally had 100 drinks last night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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