I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I am naked and annoyed.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
