google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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