turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
