I want to stick my p in your. b.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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