just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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