You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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