i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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