i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
