Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
