I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
