I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
