my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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