so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
