I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
this beer tastes like vomit already
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
